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  • Writer's pictureCynthia Way

"I Don't Feel a Spark"

Ugh. Not something I wanted to hear, particularly from someone I felt attracted to. I could feel the pit in my stomach. I could feel myself headed into a downward spiral. The voices in my head said things like "You aren't attractive to people whom you find attractive. You better learn to settle or you'll never find someone. You'll never have that feeling and connection again that you so yearn for. Why did you even think you had a chance? She was clearly out of your league!" I felt rejected. I felt ugly.

But then I remembered that just because I felt that way didn't mean it was true (therapists call this a cognitive distortion). I remembered that I have a choice about what thoughts I want to think about this situation. Being an extrovert who thinks out loud, I knew it would be helpful to "phone a friend" in order to get some extra ammunition for these voices (in the coach world, we call them Gremlins or Self-Saboteurs). So I did. My friend, Aimee is not only a friend, but a therapist and co-facilitator of Self Love & Compassion. She helped walk me through this; to process my feelings, but not get stuck in them; to reconnect with my best and highest self.

I thought with irony that what a great opportunity it was to apply TO MYSELF the self love and compassion techniques that I teach others. I remembered times when there was a mutual attraction with someone whom I found attractive. I also realized that I was no less of a person simply because this one person (or even hundreds or thousands) didn't feel a "spark" with me. Wasn't that also true for me--lots of people that I didn't feel a spark with, even people that I thought were attractive? And actually, when I was able to look past my bruised ego, I realized that I didn't feel that chemistry with her either. Then it no longer seemed like such a big deal. And the next step seemed clear: "Do something extra for yourself, Cynthia. Do something that brings you joy, that connects you with love, with happiness. You have it in you to create joy in your life."

And so I did. I went for a long walk/run the next day. Being in nature is always healing for me. I signed up for a virtual art class. And just like that, life was good again!

Where do you get stuck? What sends you into that downward spiral of negativity and self-doubt or loathing? What have you found that helps you back into the sunshine?

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